What to do with Canada (U.S. perspective)

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Subject: What to do with Canada (U.S. perspective)
  Ok, we need to lighten up this forum a bit. The Chicago Tribune has some thoughts today about what the U.S. should do with Canada.

John Kass, Chicago Tribune, 8/3/2011:

Proving once again that he is the undisputed master of American politics, President Barack Obama claimed another victory this week.

It was victory over an otherwise implacable foe:


Obama may have fed the multitudes at his 2008 inauguration with two Filet-O-Fish sandwiches and five hot dog buns, but his absolute thrashing of reality this week was truly astounding.

Obama and his Democrats were able to increase the federal debt ceiling by $2.4 trillion money that we don´t have and then give taxpayers a lecture about fiscal responsibility and how a tax increase will create more jobs. And if that´s not grabbing reality by the hair and kicking it in the behind, I don´t know what is.

And Republicans who voted to increase the debt ceiling said it allowed for trillions of dollars in federal cuts. But only in Washington is a promise to reduce a future spending increase a cut. It´s not really a cut. It´s still a whopping spending increase.

Sure, Obama´s poll numbers are down. But is there outrage at the evisceration of the American economy? Not really.

If you really want to see American outrage, just cancel "Dancing With the Stars" or "American Idol."

But Washington´s behavior has upset some world leaders. One is the Russian dictator (I meant Prime Minister) Vladimir Putin, who called us a bunch of parasites.

"They are living beyond their means," cried Putin to a group of adoring, youthful followers who hadn´t even been born when the Soviet Union ran out of money and stopped governing and turned things over to its mafia.

"They are living like parasites off the global economy and their monopoly of the dollar," Putin said.

Clearly, things are bad when a brute like Putin can call us parasites and say that Washington´s fantasy is unsustainable. What´s worse is that he´s right. The fantasy is unsustainable.

We´re going bankrupt, and still our politicians cling to their fevered dreams. If you dare argue with them, Vice President Joe Biden might denounce you as a terrorist as he denounced the tea party, according to Politico.

So, if we´re going to be realistic about things, we should acknowledge two key facts:

Our Washington politicians will never change their ways. And we´re quickly running out of money and resources and the national will to do anything about it. So there´s only one solution:

Attack Canada.

Yes, let´s attack Canada now, before it´s too late.

OK, so we tried it before, in 1812, and failed. But now, it´s time to consider it again.

Some of you who live in Washington will probably accuse me of being somewhat unrealistic. Biden might get angry. But all I´d say is, consider the source.

And for the rest of you who don´t live in Washington, just think on it a piece. When you look at this thing from all sides, attacking Canada is about the only recourse left to us.

America needs cash, and Canada is a nation rich with oil, gold, minerals and maple syrup. Oh, and don´t forget all that fresh water from the Great Lakes that we can sell to Mexico once we get the pipeline up and running.

And Canada has that "health care" that Obama´s always lusted after.

But that´s not all. The country is teeming with fish, including the succulent walleye. Better yet, Canada is not teeming with people. Most of them live within a few miles of the border, so a quick strike and they´re all ours.

And once we´ve conquered them, we won´t be foolish enough to make them a state. We´ll maintain them as a protectorate and just take their natural resources. And send all our undesirables to Newfoundland.

Before anyone gets upset, let me say here that the Canadians are a fine people, plucky, and they´re possessed of that special brand of British stoicism and understatement that makes for excellent sarcasm.

And many Canadians are still prone to wearing tweeds in Toronto and Ottawa.

But they also have Celine Dion and put gravy on their fries.

How do I know their vulnerabilities? I´m half-Canadian myself and still have family there.

My mom was born in Guelph, Ontario, and she taught us to sing "God Save the Queen," which ensured that back home in Chicago, the Fitzgibbons boys on Peoria Street would give us a good beating.

So I called my Uncle Bill up in Mississauga, Ontario, to let him know my plans.

"What about Quebec?" he asked. "Are you going to conquer Quebec too?"

I thought we´d give Quebec back to France, as long as they let us keep all the fish and sell their fresh water to desert peoples for profit.

Just then, Obama was on TV, saying that now that we can borrow trillions more, it´s not over. He said something about how "everyone´s going to have to chip in; that´s only fair," which, to my untrained ear, means he wants more money.

"So voters may have chosen divided government," said our president, "but they sure didn´t vote for dysfunctional government."

Sadly, Obama forgot to mention that voters also wanted realistic politicians and a federal government that is grounded in reality.

So get ready, my Canadian friends. Gird yourselves. Winter is coming.


(in reply to: What to do with Canada (U.S. perspective))
Would you like to have Newfoundland, too?

(in reply to: What to do with Canada (U.S. perspective))
you made my night.

must confess... the whole debt ceiling fiasco has looked pretty bizarre from this side of the border.

US will fall apart sooner than later (in reply to: What to do with Canada (U.S. perspective))
The saddest part of the story is that the chinese will take over.
(in reply to: What to do with Canada (U.S. perspective))
Vitorelli, you never cease to amaze me with your ignorance.

(in reply to: What to do with Canada (U.S. perspective))
I always get a big kick out of people like gg who write posts calling participants of this forum ´losers´.

What does that say about gg 237.163 - who just did exactly the same thing only said absolutely nothing that would contribute to the conversation. Hilarious.

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